As a painful memory of my New Year’s Eve fades away, I thought of starting my first blog of 2017 with a subject I haven’t written about in the past four years of blogging.
Here is a little background to where and when I was inspired to write this post.
On Christmas day of 2016, I was with a few friends and co-workers somewhere not identified on Google map in Baghdad. It was late evening, the sky was clear after a rainy day, and the ground turned to mud. Between our muddy cars and the ubiquitous T-Walls, we hosted the last bonfire.
The culture shock of the lifestyle between T-Walls is difficult to depict in writing for those who have not lived it. The demographic ratio between men to women is literally hundreds to one. In this environment, the attractiveness of a female rises exponentially. Not only does a two in Chicago becomes ten, but she gains the notoriety of Kim Kardashian as soon as she lands in our bubble.
No, I’m not spilling my guts, but after five years, I’m still not used to it.
Ravenous for any female contact, where kissing is a revolutionary activity, friends and co-workers are always trying to outdo each other in every way imaginable. I surrendered to my cloistered life and gave up on any attempts to meet a girl long ago. I would be better off searching for El Dorado.
While we were drinking and exchanging stories with a bit of Don Quixote style self-aggrandizement, our conversation turned to women. As usual.
Fueled by a few Vodka drinks, dating stories, and with some motivation from men who checked-in to a life/work style of (D)ivorced, (S)ingle, (S)eparated Department, I was inspired to write this post.
I must stop typing now to let you enjoy my list, the voice of truth, and go wash my hands from the omnipresent Baghdad dust.
40 Reasons Why I’m THE Assyrian Bachelor
- I’m 40 years old. Never married and no kids.
- I kill spiders with an Assyrian worrier courage. (Flip flop is my ultimate weapon.)
- I give you my Facebook password. (This act will create problems but it will level off as you take command.)
- I’ll click “Like” on anything you post on Facebook and Instagram.
- I let you take all the time you need to get ready. I get ready half an hour before you are done.
- I am human; but I have a big heart. I forgive quickly.
- Your parents will love me.
- You will be the only one I follow on Twitter. (Comic included illustrating the impact.)
- I let you win in any game we play. (I suck in games.)
- I admit when I’m wrong. I’m always wrong.
- We travel at least once a year.
- I buy new airline tickets to a different country, if you don’t like the country we just visited.
- I listen when you talk.
- When you are upset, I will shut my mouth rather than trying to answer you.
- I can be your date for anything. (Just don’t abuse it.)
- I text you and ask you about your day.
- I return your text within an hour. (I know what you’re thinking. Why one hour?)
- I always use proper form in writing when texting (You vs. U etc.)
- Any gift from you will make me happy; because I know you are thinking of me.
- I’m against animal cruelty.
- I always go to the gym.
- I write our love story.
- We eat at Hard Rock café in every city we travel to. (If there is one.)
- I cook for you, although the truth is I don’t even know how to cook an egg.
- I drink red wine mostly; and I’ll sneak bottle of wine into movie theaters. However, I usually forget the corkscrew.
- I am a wealth of useless facts, random stories, and some inappropriate jokes.
- I don’t live in fantasy football. And I don’t care about super ball or any sport in that matter.
- I buy you a new Louis Vuitton piece on your every birthday. (This is a big one.)
- I write our life legacy for our kids.
- I binge watch your favorite TV show with you even though I don’t watch TV. (Just don’t abuse it. I need time to read.)
- You can go out with your friends every time you feel like it.
- There’s nothing you can break that I cannot buy. (Except my heart.)
- You never gained weight. Wear it!
- You buy at least one piece of clothing a week, because I know you have nothing to wear. (I’m taking a risk here.)
- When you ask me what’s wrong, I never say “nothing”.
- I read Men Are from Mars, Women are from Venus book. Ergo, I understand a little bit about relationship. (No consoling is needed.)
- I read Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence book. Thus, I understand a little bit about sexual life. (No consoling is needed.)
- By now I’m deeply loyal to iPhone. Switching me to Samsung is an act of cheating. (Let me have this one)
- I’ll go shopping with you. (Just don’t abuse it.)
- I‘m romantic like Mr. Casanova and naughty like Mr. Grey. (Must have a lot of alcohol for this.)
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