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“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.” Tolstoy
I felt my acerbic impulsiveness possessing me. I tried to think of the most venomous word. My thumbs couldn’t stop from polluting the airwaves by firing off a barrage of insulting and abusive texts directed against my loved one.
What had started under the most trivial of circumstances “Hi, how are you?” escalated to a heated discussion. She had been asking for help the past few months. It had become a recurring theme. But rather than agreeing to help her, I launched an attack, because she had not listened to my earlier advice. And that has left me carrying the financial burden for her mistakes.
I was apoplectic.
Maybe it is the Middle Eastern way of dealing with anger. It goes like this: someone is advised by their family regarding a certain situation, they disregard the advice and later need to ask the family for help to unravel themselves from the consequences of their poor decision. Then the family gets angry about their advice being ignored. It is a way of adding insult to injury. It’s like “I told you so, but you never listened!”
In my case too, I think she should’ve listened; and I added insult to her injury and left her in a state of distress. I had mixed feelings of being victorious and cowardly.
After we ended our discussion, the perverse episode gnawed at me. I was standing outside looking at the dark sky above. The secret voice inside me made me feel like a coward because my family and loved ones always saw the less admirable part of my character. I tend to inflict psychological harm on the people closest to me, or on the helpless.
After I cooled down, I reflected on the larger implication of my ethical mistake. In a world full of sorrows, how many ways are there to live? Many of us have the willful desire to pass pain on to those weaker than ourselves, or to our subordinates.
My impulsiveness betrayed me. It made me speak the language of an abuser. I fell asleep without knowing she was admitted to a hospital overnight. She came back from the hospital and texted me. I woke up to her messages. As I read them I felt the pain I had caused her.
The concept of a moral hero came to my mind. I asked myself what makes a moral hero?
I don’t mean to be pontificating here, but I believe it is that person who forgives when it’s difficult to forgive, helps when it’s difficult to help, and loves when it’s difficult to love.
The word hero may sound inappropriate in this context. The prestige is stripped away from it. But in its essence, a hero is that person who is important in our eyes and close to us.
I’m sure many of us have been in similar situations. We feel guilty for a while, then forgive and move on. In my situation, it was a moment that tested my self-control.
I read stoic philosophy every day, and try to live by it. I decided to write this blog to hold myself accountable to changing this bad habit…to be free from this compulsive tradition. Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
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Ninos Youkhana 
Thank you for sharing your opinions. Really, very interested subject, which express self inside argument between the positive said and the negative said, and most of people whom have a very kind heart passed through this no related with culture or nationality.
As well, anyone would be angry or even very angry because of his friend or relatives who did not follow his advice and then they ask for the same persons’ help, it is simply “human’s nature”. Because;
First, it would be unexpected behaviour from the one who was advised, and then we found out that he/ she did not respect the honest advice.
Second, painful feeling for the seek of the person whom he/she is in trouble and hard situation because he/she means a lot for us.
Third,sense of confusing why they ignored our advice but in the same time they asked us to help, do they trusted us or just they think like ” oh..ok, we do what we wont and person “X” will help us whenever we need”. This in case and if it is repetitive behaviour from the same person. So we think ” oh … Is he/she is taking advantages of us?”
So, it is a mix of different feelings and reasons.
Moreover, it is useful that the other person do not forget your words, because, that should help him/ her to learn from their mistakes and not do it again.
Think about mothers, and how they get very angry and lecture their children when they do any mistake. That because they loved them not hated them. As a result the children learn the right behaviour.
Even some adults need to face an angry reaction, to be able of think and realize the mistakes which they did, otherwise they will repeated in the near future.
Finally, how the other part will understand, explain, forget or forgive what you said to him/her, it depends on the person, the situation and the kind of relationship between you two.
Good luck for you and her.
Thank you very much for this insightful comment